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Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
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Diseases that sound fun — but really are not

Diseases that sound fun -- but really are not

Diseases that sound fun -- but really are not

Doctors don’t much like telling patients that they’re ill. In reality you can’t break news about terminal illnesses with a cheeky grin and a playful punch to the arm, despite what The Simpsons’ Doctor Hibbert would have you believe.

That said, there are certain illnesses/diseases/viruses that don’t sound as grim as they should. Whether it simply be a daft name or surprisingly positive wording, some diseases just don’t have the aura of the devil about them. If anything they sound a doddle… Fun even!

Please don’t get us wrong, we find nothing amusing about these illnesses themselves. In fact, we’d happily go through our entire lives having never come close contracting a single one. Not even a sniffle. All we’re saying is that some may need renaming.

Keep reading for our top tips for a few alterations to the Medical Journal. This way, when your Doc tells you you’ve contracted guanarito, you won’t think you’ve bagged yourself some seriously tasty discounts for Mexican grub…

Mumps
Sounds like: A family of cartoon characters who look like a cross between the Moomins and the Flumps. Or a mini version of the birthday bumps for the under 5s.
In fact it’s: A disease caused by a virus that usually spreads through saliva and can infect many parts of the body, especially the salivary glands — and nobody wants that. These are found toward the back of each cheek, in the area between the ear and jaw. They typically swell and make you look like, kind of, American Dad, only on both sides of the face. That’s fun, but it’s also very painful. Medical historians argue over whether the name “mumps” comes from an old word for “lump” or an old word for “mumble.”
Should be called: Bionic big face.

New Guinea Laughing disease
Sounds like: Uncontrollable belly laughs to the point of excruciating pain in both the gut and the face. Would be abbreviated ad nauseam on online social networks to… “LOL! NGLD!”
In fact it’s: No laughing matter. ‘Kuru’ as it’s also known, is an incurable brain disease. Though the theory is not universally accepted, some say that Laughing Disease was transmitted among members of the Fore tribe of Papua New Guinea via cannibalism! Like mad cow disease it is a prion, transmitted through protein. Characterised by a lack of control and coordination of muscle movements it is preceded by headaches, joint pains and shaking of the limbs, with the clinical stage lasting an average of 12 months and incubation lasting up to 20. It is known as the laughing sickness due to the pathologic bursts of laughter people would display when afflicted with the disease.
Should be called: Smilex.

Beaver fever
Sounds like: Hysteria bought on by an insatiably good looking woman.
In fact it’s: Caused by a tiny, one-celled parasite named Giardia lamblia. It often comes home with people from foreign lands and causes abdominal pains, diarrhea and nausea for weeks, not to mention dehydration and flatulence (bonus immature comedy points for the trumping, but the rest sounds hideous). Beaver fever spreads from unwashed hands to the mouth, in contaminated water and on unwashed salad. The disease was commonly known as beaver fever as beavers (there’s one of the evil suckers in the pic, see?) and other animals such as bears, raccoons and muskrats are known hosts for the parasite which is released in their droppings. Dogs, cats and parakeets also carry this deeply unamusing ailment.
Should be called: The parakeet squits.

The Clap
Sounds like: The mother of all standing ovations, like… “Hurray for me and the great things I do!”
In fact it’s: A common sexually transmitted infection caused by bacterium. In men, symptoms include a yellowish discharge from the penis (oh hell), associated with painful, and sometimes frequent, urination. Fewer than half the women with “the clap” show any symptoms, or symptoms mild enough to be ignored. Women may complain of vaginal discharge (sweet lord), difficulty urinating, projectile urination (have mercy) and all manner of unpleasant things. Neither sex should ignore any symptoms as both can lead to sterility. We are not amused.
Should be called: Something very unpleasant sounding like, we don’t know… Gonorrhea. What’s that? It is called Gonorrhea? Ignore this one, then.

Coxsakie
Sounds like: Failure to continue the rate of bed-based frivolity due to a weakening appendage. EG: “Sorry Nora, coxsakie and Match of the Day is on in 20.”
In fact it’s: A hand, foot and mouth disease common during childhood. In most cases it causes only mild symptoms. In others, infection produces short-lived (7–10 day) fevers and painful blisters in the mouth, on the palms and fingers of the hand, or on the soles of the feet. There can also be blisters in the throat, or on or above the tonsils. Adults can also be affected. There’s no known vaccine, by the way. Which is disappointing.
Should be called: Cox-the-least-of-my-worries-check-out-my-nostrils!

Foreign accent syndrome
Sounds like: Occasional, involuntary impressions of Inspector Clouseau, often during job interviews and funerals.
In fact it’s: Not very funny at all. Caused by a severe bang to the brain, or a stroke it renders the victim unable to talk in their own accent. It can mean that a native English speaker can end up sounding more like Spanish or French. In some cases they speak fluently in a language they hardly know (slightly fun, but definitely not worth it). Doctors believe it is triggered when tiny areas of the brain linked with language, pitch and speech patterns are damaged. The result is often a drawing out or clipping of the vowels that mimic the accent of a particular country.
Should be called: B.I.T.C.H (Brain Injury… Talking Chinese! How?)

Shingles
Sounds Like: The name of Santa’s favourite little elf! Naughty, sure, but ultimately hard working, the other elves mock him for looking like Aled Jones. Santa can’t see the resemblance.
In fact it’s: Also called Herpes Zoster (sounds like a cool Greek god!) the initial infection causes chickenpox (another nice sounding, yet deeply unpleasant illness), and generally occurs in children — which is never funny. Once an episode of chickenpox has resolved, the virus is not eliminated from the body but can go on to cause, yep you guessed it, shingles! The cheeky scamp! Look at his daft, round face! Early symptoms include headache, sensitivity to light, and flu-like symptoms without a fever. You may then feel an itchy rash. This little sucker will first form blisters, then scab over, but clear up over a few weeks. Bye-bye naughty, little Shingles! See you next year!
Should be called: Scabbys. Not to be confused with scabies.

BK Virus
Sounds like: Ravenous desire for flame grilled fast food that is so intense one loses the ability to see until you’ve eaten. Often confused with the very different Big Mac Attack.
In fact it’s: A type of polyomavirus that infects most people but generally causes no symptoms. However, that virus may be reactivated when a patient receives immunosuppressive therapy following an organ transplant. That’s when things kick off. Expect hemorrhagic cystitis following bone marrow transplant and narrowed ureters following kidney transplant. Neither of which are good or related to in anyway to Burger King.
Should be called: Interstitial nephritis? You got it!

Babesiosis
Sounds Like: The delusional burblings of a senior man who has spotted his first Las Vegas nipple (see image).
In fact it’s: Named after the magnificently monikered bacteriologist Victor BabeÅŸ, this awesome sounding horror illness is a malaria-like parasitic disease that affects animals, and rarely, but definitely, humans too. In more severe cases symptoms are similar to malaria, with fevers up to 105°F / 40°C, shaking chills, and severe anemia. Organ failure may follow with most cases occurring in people who have had their spleen removed surgically. Which is harsh.
Should be called: Victor BabeÅŸ’ spleenless monster.

Restless leg syndrome
Sounds like: Disco related problem that affects 83% of clubbers when the first three chords of Love Shack kick in. Like it or not, you’re dancing.
In fact it’s: A tingling, burning, or numbing sensations in the legs that create an overwhelming need to move them. Trying to relax or keep the legs still only makes the symptoms worse. Though the cause of the RLS is unknown and it is said to worsen as one relaxes.
Should be called: Yeltsin’s horror shuffle.

Lockjaw
Sounds like: The Fantastic Four’s pet bulldog from outer space. Sounds like, and is!
In fact it’s: Also a serious bacterial disease, named Tetanus, that affects muscles and nerves. It is characterised by muscle stiffness that usually involves the jaw and neck and then progresses to other parts of the body. Death can result from severe breathing difficulties or heart abnormalities. In fact there is an overwhelming lack of melancholy looking canines that you wanna wrestle with. It’s all deeply unpleasant.
Should be called: Well, lockjaw’s fairly apt.

Rubella
Sounds like: Smoking hot US stripper who loves our “cute British accent”. This results in that mythical discount.
In fact it’s: German measles. The name “rubella” is derived from the Latin, meaning little red. Rubella is a common childhood infection usually with minimal systemic upset. German measles causes symptoms that are similar to the flu. The primary symptom is the appearance of deeply grim looking rash on the face (enough to scare off even the most ardent of exotic dancers) which spreads to the trunk and limbs and usually fades after three days. Other symptoms include low grade fever, swollen glands, joint pains, headache and conjunctivitis (that’s itchy eyeballs!).
Should be called: Red man walking.

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