Things You Wish You Could Say at Work

Another from the funny files:

Things You Wish You Could Say at Work

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a fuck.

How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?

Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

Who me?? I just wander from room to room.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Chaos, panic, and disorder-yep, my work here is done.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I’d love to help you but it’s 5:00pm.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

You sound reasonable…time to up the medication.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

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